Deep Listening and Gentle Speech

We humans are wired to try to make sense of things. We are also wired to tell stories. Thus, when we don’t understand the actions of another person, we try to figure it out by telling ourselves a story that will explain the person’s behavior. That’s when we run into problems, because the stories we tell ourselves are often inaccurate or incomplete. The remedy, as St. Benedict knew, is to ask the person for his or her perspective (that is, offer a place of hospitality) and be willing to listen.

Here’s an example: “Johnny” is a poor student and acts out in school. His parents are frustrated because they believe his behavior reflects poorly on them, and they create a story about why he acts this way. “He doesn’t care if he gets poor grades,” they say. “All he cares about is playing video games.”

Here is where another tenet of St. Benedict comes into play: humility. We often think that the actions of another are somehow related to us, because we have a tendency to make everything about us. However, as Eleanor Roosevelt said, “You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.” If Johnny’s parents asked him why he doesn’t like school, they might discover that his acting out has nothing to do with them, and indeed he cares very much about his poor performance in school. However, unbeknownst to his parents and teachers, his brain scrambles letters, making it impossible for him to keep up with the other kids in his class. He thinks his parents don’t love him because he’s “stupid” and finds comfort in video games that use images instead of words and allow him to be a hero instead of a failure.

In His book Fear: Essential Wisdom for Getting Through the Storm, Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh notes, “Much of our suffering comes from wrong perceptions.” When we listen to each other and use gentle speech (another recommendation of St. Benedict), we often discover that we each have been victims of our wrong perceptions. “The intention of deep listening and loving speech is to restore communication,” Thich Nhat Hanh says, “because once communication is restored, everything is possible, including peace and reconciliation.”

Our society is greatly in need of peace and reconciliation within families and in our workplaces, schools, and churches. We can help by modeling deep listening and gentle speech, because our current situation will only improve one conversation at a time.