God's Timing

When I told my uncle Johnny that, at the age of 54 years, I was planning to join the Benedictines, he thundered enthusiastically in his deep voice, “Good! You should’ve done it 30 years ago!” I replied, “Well … maybe 5 years ago.” He shook his head. “Nope! Thirty years ago!”

Little did he know that about 32 years ago I did discern about whether I should join the Mount community, when I was a senior at Benedictine College. I remember sitting on the floor in the silence of  St. Scholastica chapel, my back against a pew, and realizing with regret, “No—this feels too confining.” This realization was so definitive that I never considered revisiting the possibility during the coming decades, even as the pursuit of prayer, community, and knowledge of God remained a thread in my life.

It was only after (1) working three years at the National Catholic Reporter Publishing Company; (2) earning a master’s degree in pastoral counseling from Loyola College in Baltimore; (3) working at BOYS HOPE and a medical publishing company and being part of a dynamic parish community (St. Cronan) in St. Louis; (4) being on staff at Shantivanam House of Prayer for seven years; (5) taking care of my parents in the years before they died; (6) buying a house in Leavenworth and joining a prison ministry group; and (7) becoming an oblate of the Mount that the Holy Spirit visited in the form of a thought that unexpectedly popped into my head: “You should consider joining the Benedictines.”

I stood in astonishment as the realization sunk in that my life was going to change dramatically, because I now sensed that monastic life offered freedom rather than confinement, and I knew with certainty that this would now be my path. Though I embarked on a year-long “discernment” process with Sr. Barbara Smith, I already knew I would be joining the community—I just needed time to get used to the idea.

When I listen to some of the Sisters talk about being a Benedictine for 50, 60, or 70 years, I regret that I won’t have as many years in community. However, it’s clear to me that when we listen to our intuition, we are submitting to and trusting in God’s timing, which will lead us in the right direction. Thirty-two years ago, I wasn’t ready to become a Benedictine. God knew that, and I’m very grateful for the enriching experiences and wonderful companions I’ve been gifted with these past 32 years. They helped form me, and I carry them with me now that the time is right to be part of the monastic community of Mount St. Scholastica.