Cultivating a Wider Heart

One aspect of entering a Benedictine monastery that is quite different from life outside the monastery is the practice of undergoing an annual review meeting with members of  one’s living group and formation team during the years of initial formation (until final profession). Most people aren’t likely to sit down with a family member, friend, or colleague once a year and ask them, “What do you see as my strengths and weaknesses? Do I need to make any changes that will make it easier for us to live or work together?”

I doubt that anyone in initial formation would say that these annual reviews are their favorite part of monastic life. The cultivation of humility—accepting that our talents are God given and entail responsibility and that our weaknesses and failings affect others and need to be addressed—is not easy. However, it does bear fruit. In this year’s review meetings with members of my living group I learned that I fidget a lot in chapel, something I was not aware of but likely reflects the racing of my mind when I should be focused on prayer. I was also cautioned against perfectionism, which reveals the lack of trust that leads me to want to rely on myself instead of God (and can be a trial for others as I try to get things just right!).

Ironically, although this annual examination during the years of initial formation feels very self-focused, the goal is to move outside the self. As Christine Valters Paintner notes in Desert Mothers and Fathers: Early Christian Wisdom Sayings Annotated and Explained, "As the desert monks moved through their daily lives, they cultivated an ability to let go of their self-consciousness about whether they were doing something correctly and their self-preoccupation about whether their spiritual practice was getting them somewhere. The motivations behind so many of our actions are to be loved, approved of, seen, or accepted. These are all valid needs. However, we get transfixed by them, and they become the primary reason we do anything at all. Those who advanced on the desert path moved slowly past these tiring and narrow concerns about the self, cultivating a wider heart. They were able to step outside of themselves and meet others where they are.”

To cultivate a wider heart and step outside of ourselves to meet others where they are should be the goal of all Christians. Although I can’t say I look forward to my annual review meetings, I am grateful for the monastic wisdom that provides this structured means of helping me work toward this goal.